Little Boys

It was the darnedest thing. For the first several weeks after Adam died, my eyes leaked every time I was around my 2 1/2-year old grandson. There was just something about Connor that caused the faucet to run. My counselor said it was totally understandable. "He probably just reminds you of the little boy you lost." I'm sure she's right. In many ways, Connor does remind me of Adam. He's super smart, inquisitive, energetic, funny, and cute as a button with his blonde hair and sweet smile. There are, however, some major differences. Adam was an introvert, through and through. I was always amazed at how he could have so many buddies to hang out with when he barely said a word. In fact, his Grandpa Gordon nicknamed him Silent Sam. Connor, on the other hand, chatters non-stop. But there's something about that little boy that does make my heart ache for the young son still lingering in my memory.

Of course, my little boy, Adam, grew up and became a man. One who struggled these past few years. Family and friends worried often about his mental health. At times, his behavior both confused and infuriated us. But here's the thing: no matter what he did, we never stopped loving him.

That's what's most amazing about being a parent. Isn't it? Our kids can make us amazingly proud, or they can make poor choices that rip our hearts out, but either way, we still love them. No matter what, our hearts are tied to them as if by some invisible thread. Nothing can change that. I think God puts that unconditional love in us when it comes to our young. On one hand, I've felt a mysterious force that compels my mama bear claws to come out when danger is detected. On the other, there are times when I just want to take my kids (even adult kids) out to the back shed and whoop their behinds when they do stupid things.

Despite the many ups and downs these past few years with Adam, I still have so many good memories. I'm glad I can hold on to those. I'm grateful that my grandson brings them to the forefront of my mind. Thankfully, the tears have finally stopped when I'm with him.

Connor and Grandma 

Last week, Don and I took Connor to a nearby amusement park, and we had a blast. I remember taking Adam there many years ago. 

The Backroads buggies ride is still there. As I spun the wheel of the antique car sitting next to my grandson, I thought of years gone by. Yep, little boys are fun with all their love of cars and superheros and sports and things. Both my sons have brought me much joy. Grandsons are pretty awesome too. 

Adam and friend - 1993