New Beginnings

A couple weeks ago, Facebook was overflowing with adorable shots of kiddos about to embark on the first day of a new school year. Each face held such a sense of hope and anticipation as these young ones prepared to step into a brand new classroom, meet new teachers, and experience new possibilities. Oh, the joy! I just love the idea of new beginnings. 

Speaking of new beginnings, our son, Chris, and his fiance are planning a wedding sometime next year. I’m absolutely thrilled to welcome Kayla into the family. I’m excited that our tribe will be expanding. Life just keeps moving ahead, day by day.

Meanwhile, I’m trying to adjust to my "new normal" - whatever that is. I still don’t like it. Not one bit. After all, there’s a gaping hole in our family now. Someone is missing. But we keep waking up each morning, heading out the door to work or other activities, doing chores, taking care of our day-to-day life.

But it doesn’t feel normal. The other day, I was chatting with a lady who was making us some sandwiches at the deli. “We’re taking our grandson on a picnic today,” I said.

“Is he your only grandchild?” she asked.

“Yes, but I have four kids,” I responded. “I’m sure I’ll have more some day.” Then it hit me. I actually don’t have four kids who can potentially give me grand kids anymore, since one is no longer with us (I still have four, it's just that one is now in heaven). I didn’t tell her that, though. I just took my sandwiches and left. My new normal. Yep, it’s going to take a long time to adjust.  

And just when I think I’m doing okay, something comes along to bring a grief wave. It happened yesterday. I got an email from Shutterfly reminding me of a memory from this week seven years ago. When I looked at the photo, it was like a gut punch. Yes, it was a good day, but it didn’t feel so good to be thrust back into that particular memory right in the middle of my workday.

It was the day we moved Adam into his dorm at Chico State. First week of school. First time living away from home. Yes, there was excitement, anticipation, all the hopes and joys and expectations of a bright future. I remember it well. While I’m thankful for the memory, I know I can’t stay stuck in the past. Focusing on yesterday for too long will just bog me down.

I love the song by Christian artist Danny Gokey “Tell Your Heart to Beat Again.” Danny lost his young wife during heart surgery, so I know he speaks from a place of understanding. He gets it. In the chorus, he says:

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday's a closing door

You don't live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you've been

And tell your heart to beat again

Today I’m telling my heart to beat again. I’m moving forward, celebrating the new beginnings that are all around me. I hear wedding bells coming. That’s something to celebrate for sure!  And to those who sent kiddos off to school, thanks for sharing your adorable pics. Meanwhile, here's a pic of my daughter-in-law to be. They are a sweet couple, for sure, and that makes my heart happy.