The Sound of Silence

It’s been 14 months since we tragically lost our son to suicide. Actually, 447 days to be exact. In the beginning, there was a tsunami of love and support poured out on our family, for which we are forever grateful. But as time goes on, a blanket of silence has slowly crept in. I recently read that the second year of grief can sometimes be harder than the first. I think one of the reasons may be that the initial shock has passed, most of the affairs have been attended to, and the dust has settled, so to speak. People think we’ve moved on, and they certainly don’t want to bring up our lost one’s name for fear that it will stir up more grief. Truth is, it’s just the opposite. The silence is deafening.

Even within my own family, we talk less and less about our lost son, sometimes not at all. It’s not that we aren’t thinking about him; it’s just that we avoid the subject because we don’t want to invite sadness into our gatherings. We’re just trying to move forward and enjoy each moment we have together. I’m guilty as well. But here’s the thing. As Adam’s mom, I still want to speak his name. I want to remember all the funny things he said and did, the things that made him unique and special. I don’t want to forget him. 

Recently, I shared this with my two daughters. Each one wrote and shared some heartfelt thoughts about their brother on social media. It comforted my heart immensely.

Yesterday, I pulled a tiny card out of mailbox from a dear, sweet college friend a couple thousand miles away. She wrote, “Hi Mary, I love seeing your sweet face on FB!  Think of you often and your family and your journey in missing your Adam. I just want you to know I continue to pray for you and send all my love.” The card brought me to tears.  Just reading my son’s name.  Having someone say it, write it, remembering him. It touched me in such a deep place.

I’m thankful that I do continue to receive day-to-day support on this grief journey from family, friends, and coworkers who listen when I need to vent. But I just wanted to acknowledge that if you’re out there and you know someone who has lost a loved one, and you’re wondering if you should reach out and mention that loved one’s name, the answer is YES. They will be so happy to know that their loved one is still remembered. It won’t make them sad. I promise. It will help them on their grief journey. 

Please, break the sound of silence.