The Things We Pack

I gazed out the window of our cruise ship cabin. Grey-blue waves seemed to stretch out infinitely over the horizon. We were 700 miles from San Francisco where we’d departed, headed for Hawaii. Tears welled up in my eyes, fogging up my glasses. Why am I so sad? I should be enjoying this vacation, not pining away at this window. But I couldn’t help it. The ocean view was just a visual reminder of the endless grief waves that keep crashing over me. Even though it’s been a little over eight months, they just keep coming. Will they ever stop? The grief books assure me they will eventually slow down. I sure hope so!

Back in the fall, we planned the late-January vacation knowing that the holidays, followed by Adam’s birthday two weeks after Christmas, would likely leave us drained. We were right. As we packed the Sunday before, I asked Don, “Do you think there will ever be a day when we don’t think about losing him?”

“We’ll never stop thinking about him,” Don said. “But I think in time, the loss won’t be so hard.”

The day I packed, I realized I’d been hoping I could leave my grief at home. Reality was, I brought it with me on the trip – whether I wanted to or not. I can guarantee that sorrow wasn’t on my packing list. The only things noted were clothes, sunglasses, swimsuit, books, camera, etc. Certainly not heartache, tears, emptiness. But those things came along, too.

Thankfully, most days of our 15-day cruise were joyful ones. We saw spectacular waterfalls, walked through rain forests filled with orchids and wild ginger; we snorkeled in a peaceful cove teeming with colorful marine life, and enjoyed a sunny day sailing on a catamaran while whales breached all around us. Later, we got some shave ice and relaxed under the banyan tree in Lahaina. On a more somber day, we toured Pearl Harbor and visited the USS Arizona memorial. Afterwards, our guide showed us some Honolulu highlights.

All in all, it was an enjoyable trip. Definitely much needed! Nevertheless, in the midst of fun, there was also sadness. I could post beautiful photos on social media, and no one would ever know about my window gazing tear fests. But they happened. I’m beginning to realize that grief will come with me wherever I go. I’ll always miss my son and feel sad he missed out on so much. But some day, I’ll be with him again. In the meantime, every day is a mixed bag. Some days are sunshine and rainbows. Other days just clouds bursting with rain. I’m learning to be okay with either one. This is my new normal.

Each one of us has countless things we carry with us in our hearts. Joys and pleasures, as well as sorrows, hurts, and disappointments. I know I’m not alone in that. I try to remember that when I interact with others. We all need grace, kindness, and patience. On the outside, someone may appear to be just a happy-go-lucky person on their way to Hawaii. But underneath, they could be pining away at a window.