Do Overs
A few weeks ago, my boss came into work after having been off for training the previous day, and she snapped at me. I'd left a note on her desk because I knew she'd have fifty million emails to wade though. The note explained that our regional office called and needed someone to sit in on a last-minute conference call in a few hours. "Did you get another manager involved?" she snapped. "No, I wanted to wait and talk to you." Then she stomped off ...
Minutes later, she returned to my desk. "I'm sorry. I didn't even say good morning. Can we start over? How are you? Anything happen while I was gone?" Thankfully, it all worked out. Better yet, for the first time ever, she got a chance to have an honest-to-goodness do over at work. She's truly been working on her sometimes-impulsive over reactions. I gave her grace. In fact, later I told her how proud I was that she was able to step back, take a deep breath, and calmly handle that unexpected conference call. We plan to have more do overs in the future.
I read a devotional the other day about forgiveness. Since God forgives us, He expects us to forgive others. I get that. Jesus told several parables that explain it clearly. While I'm not always bitterness-free, I do try to work on actively letting go of any resentments or unresolved conflict with others. I pray, "Lord, is there someone that I need to forgive?" Of course, this is an ongoing process.
But here's the rub: I don't always forgive myself when I mess up. Big things are hard, and sometimes even little things. Like trying to take a different route home from work Friday night, only to have to make two u-turns because I was slow to follow directions. What a dummy I am! Or calling the restaurant yesterday that we have our book club meeting at, only to learn that the room we always reserve is already booked for June. Dang it! You should have called a week ago! Don't even get me started with my eating, drinking, and lack of exercise. Might as well just punch myself in the face. Every day is a do over, and I do try. But some days are better than others.
So, that's why I'm working on making amends, forgiving myself, and trying to move on when I screw up. I got some practice at work on Friday. Our office was having a Cinco De Mayo lunch in our large conference room at 11:45. I'd gone out to the hall to make a personal phone call, and when I returned at noon, I thought maybe the party had already started and I'd just missed the announcement. So I headed into the conference room. People were already lined up, so I just jumped in. I was starving! I sat down and started eating, when my two co-workers came in and said, "You suck! We were waiting for you." Whoops. My bad. I felt like such a bad friend. To be honest, I wasn't thinking about them at all. I was only thinking of ONE thing: my stomach! I apologized profusely, but it took me about an hour to forgive myself and quit dwelling on what a schmuck I am.
In the overall scheme of things, these are little boo boos. You can imagine how hard I am on myself about ways that I've messed up as a mother. Even though I tried my best, it appears at the moment that I failed at the one thing that means the most to me. Passing on my faith to my kids. I know that they have free wills, and certainly it's NOT all about me. But at this point, four out of four aren't following Jesus. Statistically, that's 0%. Yes, there is a part of me that thinks, Where did I drop the ball? What could I have done differently? Many other Christian moms I know are in the same boat. Beating myself up doesn't help anything. Prayer is the only answer. And forgiveness. Every day is a do over.
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassion never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness (Lam 3:22)
Minutes later, she returned to my desk. "I'm sorry. I didn't even say good morning. Can we start over? How are you? Anything happen while I was gone?" Thankfully, it all worked out. Better yet, for the first time ever, she got a chance to have an honest-to-goodness do over at work. She's truly been working on her sometimes-impulsive over reactions. I gave her grace. In fact, later I told her how proud I was that she was able to step back, take a deep breath, and calmly handle that unexpected conference call. We plan to have more do overs in the future.
I read a devotional the other day about forgiveness. Since God forgives us, He expects us to forgive others. I get that. Jesus told several parables that explain it clearly. While I'm not always bitterness-free, I do try to work on actively letting go of any resentments or unresolved conflict with others. I pray, "Lord, is there someone that I need to forgive?" Of course, this is an ongoing process.
But here's the rub: I don't always forgive myself when I mess up. Big things are hard, and sometimes even little things. Like trying to take a different route home from work Friday night, only to have to make two u-turns because I was slow to follow directions. What a dummy I am! Or calling the restaurant yesterday that we have our book club meeting at, only to learn that the room we always reserve is already booked for June. Dang it! You should have called a week ago! Don't even get me started with my eating, drinking, and lack of exercise. Might as well just punch myself in the face. Every day is a do over, and I do try. But some days are better than others.
So, that's why I'm working on making amends, forgiving myself, and trying to move on when I screw up. I got some practice at work on Friday. Our office was having a Cinco De Mayo lunch in our large conference room at 11:45. I'd gone out to the hall to make a personal phone call, and when I returned at noon, I thought maybe the party had already started and I'd just missed the announcement. So I headed into the conference room. People were already lined up, so I just jumped in. I was starving! I sat down and started eating, when my two co-workers came in and said, "You suck! We were waiting for you." Whoops. My bad. I felt like such a bad friend. To be honest, I wasn't thinking about them at all. I was only thinking of ONE thing: my stomach! I apologized profusely, but it took me about an hour to forgive myself and quit dwelling on what a schmuck I am.
In the overall scheme of things, these are little boo boos. You can imagine how hard I am on myself about ways that I've messed up as a mother. Even though I tried my best, it appears at the moment that I failed at the one thing that means the most to me. Passing on my faith to my kids. I know that they have free wills, and certainly it's NOT all about me. But at this point, four out of four aren't following Jesus. Statistically, that's 0%. Yes, there is a part of me that thinks, Where did I drop the ball? What could I have done differently? Many other Christian moms I know are in the same boat. Beating myself up doesn't help anything. Prayer is the only answer. And forgiveness. Every day is a do over.
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassion never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness (Lam 3:22)
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